This week I have felt a little more awake and clear headed than I have for a while. I think I've been slightly depressed without even realizing it. Maybe those vitamin D tablets are finally kicking in! Or maybe it's the brighter, crisper, longer days. And sunlight, finally, sunlight! I am beginning to feel stronger and can do more than I have been able to for some time. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog and hoping that my body, mind and soul are finally overcoming the health problems of last year.
It has been hard to blog, write and do my art and craft work over the last year or so. My energy reserves have been precious, fragile and used on the most important work of making meals, hugging kids, keeping some semblance of order, resting, you know simple things.
I saw this quote on fb the other day and it spoke to me. Sometimes you have to readjust your focus and re calibrate your value systems to what matters most.
Yet it has been frustrating at times. I have so many ideas for my work and writing projects simmering like good, broth concentrating, concentrating down, ready to be served up.
I think there is something about reaching your mid thirties. You feel the culmination of years within you. Then you get a little shocked by how quickly they've passed!
Perhaps you begin to wonder once again, what your real purpose for being here is.
I feel good about the choices I've made so far. There were times when I wondered whether the choices we made seemed rational under the circumstances. Our choices were certainly questioned by others at times. But when I look honestly at the premise behind the choices we made I see love. I feel strong.
The choices we made were motivated by heart and soul. When we chose to have the children close together, to home school and for me to stay home without many resources at the time, it didn't feel all that logical, but it did feel deeply right.
Plenty seem to believe poor people shouldn't have children. Yet during those leaner times God provided for us beyond that which money can buy. It wasn't easy, there were no singing choirs of angels but we grew, we learned about our strengths, we were confronted with our weaknesses, we were humbled and we learned about real joy.
In the last few years we have finally found that material form of security too. A beautiful place to live. A friendly community. A feeling of hope and possibility.
It is hard not to become attached to the material stuff. Or feel guilty for it! It is hard to keep making choices from the heart and the soul instead of fear.
Looking back I see that my health issues really started when Tani was made redundant. He has now found a wonderful job, but those times were a test for sure. I have never felt like a materialistic person, but I was profoundly scared of losing that which we had only just found; stability.
It has been a process of accepting the transitory and ephemeral nature of existence. The constant letting go. The ebb and flow of life and all it's transmutations. Every change has a piece of loss in it. There is no real security. Every moment is a gift. We can't expect to be able to control every aspect of our lives. The unexpected will happen.
When it does I hope I'll have my real home built on a rock, not on sand.
I think what I'm trying to say is the only building that lasts, is founded in the heart or the soul. It is forged from the stone of our experiences and the choices we make. It is those little, everyday interactions and memories. It is the moments we put down the phone and stare our the window at the trees and the sunlight. It is internal. Whatever happens we can find an indwelling, a harbour, an abode within that place.
"Jesus, Son of Mary (on whom be peace) said: The World is a Bridge, pass
over it, but build no houses upon it. He who hopes for a day, may hope
for eternity; but the World endures but an hour. Spend it in prayer, for
the rest is unseen."
A quote carved in kufic script all the way around the arch of Fatehpur Sikrithe the ruined Mughal capital built by the Muslim emperor Akbar just outside Agra at the end of the 16th century.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and sacred Easter weekend in whichever way you celebrate it! xx
Some pictures from our walk yesterday.
Every Friday I'll be pausing to notice something from the week that has nourished my soul.
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A special, sacred-everyday moment captured on camera, or perhaps a snippet from a book, a recipe still warm from the kitchen or something whimsical that simply made me smile.
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Here are a few simple things that have fed my soul this week.
What has inspired/fed/nourished your soul this week friends?
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A special, sacred-everyday moment captured on camera, or perhaps a snippet from a book, a recipe still warm from the kitchen or something whimsical that simply made me smile.
*
Here are a few simple things that have fed my soul this week.
What has inspired/fed/nourished your soul this week friends?
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Feel free to link up to your own soulful spaces either at the bottom of this post or in the comments.
