The hardest homeschooling days - A Spiritual Journey

The hardest homeschooling days weren’t when they were little and every day was brimming full to overflowing with  laundry, dishes, sweet, early morning snuggles. The days when I was pregnant and heavy and carrying teething toddlers on my hips while working out geometry problems. The days of veggie sticks and cupcakes with sprinkles, dandelion posies in jam jars and wailing car journeys. The days of stolen moments to nap or write a few lines or knit a few rows. The days of giggling under blankets, sofa forts and tea parties on the living room floor. The days of aching loneliness and the sweetest consolation and moments of communion. Times where it felt like Jesus was actually walking beside me when I was afraid.

No, the hardest days came after these. 

As life became less brimming and overflowing I began to exhale. I began to forget the things that had given Grace to the grit of struggle.

I prayed less. I think that’s where it began.

Soon I stopped going to mass every week. I would go to the woods instead. I'd say things like, ‘I find my God in nature more than in church.’ I forgot the Grace of sacramental life. I forgot that the sacrifice comes before the blessing. 

Although I still find the beauty of the creator in His creation, I don’t idolise it. This world is not our soul’s true home. Ut Migraturus Habita.  

I started to read books on buddhism and the new age. They seemed so full of esoteric, knowledge, and secret patterns that connected all the dots in the universe, like how constellations connect stars. There were similes and symbols everywhere.  I went down ‘truther’ rabbit holes and got lost. I rediscovered astrology. I went to new age gatherings where women were goddesses. I stopped seeing deception for what it was, the antithesis of truth, the doorway to forgetfulness.

The word religion means to re/connect, to bring the fragmentary, the incomplete and the broken to wholeness, to holiness. To remember who we are. There is a touching and telling moment in  the story of the prodigal son. It comes after the son has squandered his Father’s inheritance and is sitting, starving among the pigs and their empty husks. It is a still life portrait of a worldly dream come to it’s natural conclusion. Yet it is in that moment of complete disillusionment with what the world offers that he remembers his Father’s house and ‘comes back to himself’. After ‘coming back to himself’, his true self, and identity as His Father's child, he musters the strength and clarity to return to his true home.

A half truth is a complete lie. We are made for the fullness of truth. And there can only be one truth. 

In the faith, the evil one is known by names that denote his character. He is known as lucifer, (the light bearer), devil, (accuser and deceiver), satan, ( adversary).

Here is a comprehensive list of names and their meanings taken directly from Biblical texts.

Satan can come dressed as an Angel of light. He is the deceiver. He is the father of lies.

During this time of wandering away I began to fall for many lies. The truth became tough to swallow. I began to think the laws of The Bible weren't a good fit for me. I began to take on the rules and belief system of the culture which says anything goes, mocks virtue and seeks to justify vice.

It was a tempting paradigm. The temporaral, physical self wants its immediate needs and desires, perspectives and opinions to be satiated, fulfilled and ratified even if they destroy its eternal soul.

Real, authentic compassion always tells the truth because, however hard, the truth is always the highest, purest, most beautiful and most loving path for our eternal souls. 

My children were watching my struggle.

They began to act out, they became confused, they began to question absolute truth too. 

My physical health deteriorated. I became ill with one thing after another.

I understood something was wrong. Like the prodigal son, I began to think of My Father's house. The days when I could just run into His arms like a child. To be under the authority of The Father is also to be under His protection. I began to pray again. I stopped hiding from the Bible and the condemnation I rightly felt when reading it.

At first it was like walking through a desert. I didn’t feel the consolation and close communion I had before. I felt far away and distant. I felt unworthy. This continued for many months.

I remembered Jacob who wrestled with the angel and wouldn't let Him go till he blessed him. 

Then I came across Chelsea's testimony and Jamies and Steven Bancarz. 

I prayed for delieverance with Derek Prince sermons. I made a choice. I chose Jesus over everything else. I chose Jesus over fear, resentment, pride and self sufficency.

One night, I felt like I was on fire. I had a terrible pain in my stomach. I knew that if I just got on my phone and watched some random video or scrolled through some pretty pictures I would find some relief, some numbing for the pain. But I just stayed still in the flames and waited. And waited. 

I waited on The Lord alone. I only wanted rescue from Him. It was like a complete surrender. 

Then I saw a vision of Our Lord on a throne. It was real. The room was dark but I saw this light shining through that dark, piercing it through, His feet were like bronze and His robes shone like precious, white gold, His face was partially hidden in a cloud. I felt his hand reach down and rest on my stomach. Suddenly, all the pain I'd experienced for the last few years vanished. The fire was utterly quenched and I felt perfect peace like I've never felt before in my life. 

After this I got into the Bible like I never had before. I knew that even if I didn't understand everything in it's pages, what was nessecary for my soul would be made clear. I became more humble. I realised how, despite all my book reading, I really understood less than I did when I was a simple, illiterate child. I became a child again.  I read and prayed. I went to confession. I went to mass. I began praying novenas and rosaries. I attended The Mass of The Ages, The Tridentine Mass. 

My children were watching. They were curious, they asked questions, they joined me.

They were upset we didn't do halloween the first year, but by the time the strange noises that had been scratching at the windows and in the attic ceased, they were convinced. They began to see the deception that runs like a string of fake, twinkly lights through the culture. They deceided they wanted The True Light and the peace that it offered.

They too began to pray more. We prayed together. We went to confession together. They read their bibles and learned to love them. They found peace. We, as a family found peace.

My physical health began to improve. But most importantly, my spirtual health returned.

No more panic attacks, no more light headedness, no more strange aches and pains and debilitating tiredness. No more low level depression in Autumn and Winter. 

The three years that followed this experience have been some of the most trying in some ways. Covid came, My father passed away, my mother began needing daily care. There were diagnosis and exams.  Our best friends moved away. Yet, despite this,  I haven't ever felt more peace. Jesus says His peace is a peace that surpasses all understanding, a peace the world cannot give. This, I find to be completly true.

And so, I find myself somewhere near where I started. The place of overflowing sinks and cups. The place of grit and unfathomable Grace. The place of stillness in the surrender and peace is a person not a place.

I share this only becasue I feel led to. I share this only because perhaps someone needs these words. 

I am an introvert and it's not easy for me to open myself up but I do it as an act of obedience and love that it might touch some soul on a similar path.

This is just a chapter in a bigger story. I don't have the burden of writing my story, only of faithfully playing my own small role in it and retelling it as truthfully as I can. 

If I can do nothing more, at least I can do that.

There is no perfection this side of heaven, so don't imagine every day is easy. God never promised that we wouldn't have trials, only that He would be with us through them all, giving His Grace and strength to our surrender. 

And through Him these trials are redemptive and meaningful. A life-bestowing paradox. Gving is receiving, death is life,  the end is the begining and the stillness the dancing. 

Praying whomever reads this is enjoying a restful and restorative christmas-tide. 

With love,

Blessings to you and yours. xxx

Our Lockdown Homeschool Schedule ( or unschedule)

This year has seen us return somewhat to a looser, more unschooling approach to our days. At first, as usual, I found it hard to let the structures we had so carefully developed, honed and tweaked unravel! Unschooling does have a slightly unsettling chaos about it. It can also mean more mess and more parental facilitation ( at all hours of the day!) And yet there is also so much peace and joy in it too.  

When the children were younger we often enjoyed seasons of unschooling but as they reached highschool age we began to structure our days around a curriculum.

Curriculums definitely have their benefits and we still incorporate curriculum material into our days ( see end of post for details) to keep the basics ticking over, but our kids seem to really thrive when given the opportunity to really focus on  what they really live and have an interest in. Unschooling tends to lead to in-depth spurts of learning in specific areas of interest. This can leave ‘holes’ in some subjects which can be problematic but it’s amazing how many subjects one project will cover.Also, even in schools there are holes in the curriculum. Not all history can be covered and a lot of practical subjects aren’t covered. Taxation and mortgages aren’t covered in maths lessons and politics is often only briefly mentioned. 

Even something as simple as an art project can develop and involve many other skills. For example, Seraphina has been working on creating colouring pages, downloadable prints and cards to sell online. This project began with art and ended with her learning  IT skills, in order to enable pictures to print at different sizes without losing picture quality. It also involved her learning business skills and laws, accounting costs for time and materials and photography and social media skills so that she can present her artwork in the way she wants to. Here is a link to her shop. 

This year has had a lot of loss for our family. The loss of my Dad effected the girls very deeply. It didn’t seem right to simply get back into our normal routine straight away. We needed time to grieve. My dear Mum has also needed a lot of extra care too which the girls have wanted to be involved with. 

They have also had to navigate their own emotions surrounding the circumstances of this year. The fear that stems from loss and the deepening of faith that grows from greater clinging to God.

These are life lessons, real education, learning about values, learning about what matters most, learning what to put down in order to hold onto the most important things of all; faith in God, relationships, giving of self, supporting one another, work/life balance and meaningful work.

In the Spring, Seraphina really wanted to plant a garden in honour of her Grandad as he was a horticulturalist. She asked him lots of questions about what to grow and how to grow it which he loved to answer.  She built a raised bed and put together a mini greenhouse. Some of her vegetables did very well while others succumbed to pests, blight, too much sun or not enough water. She learned how much physical effort goes into preparing and maintains potato beds. She also learned about how hard  it is to grow your own food yet how rewarding it is despite the effort. I think these lessons were equally as valuable as anything she could have learned from a book. 

This year, Boo has made the decision that music is going to be her main focus. She spends much of her day writing, recording and producing and has developed so much through that. Not just in terms of learning how to get a song out there, but also how the creative arts require as much discipline and effort as any other job if you want to create something of real and lasting value. She has also had to navigate the world of social media and has definitely become aware of its addictive effect. She has also experienced  the rush and disappointment of gaining and losing likes and follows. Yet this has helped her understand the careful balance between allowing other’s ideas and encouragement to inspire without letting them effect the integrity of what she creates. She has had think about  ‘relevance’ and ‘brand’ and how much she wants that to effect what she puts out there. Her song Good as Love was featured on BBC introducing last October. It was very emotional as she wrote that song for her Grandad who always supported and encouraged her in her music. 

Tilly has also been doing lots of creative bits and bobs. During lockdown she has  been learning guitar and piano, writing songs, crocheting clothes and making homemade balms and salves. She has also started writing a blog, got into calligraphy and has been designing journal pages.

Inspired by her big sisters Nola has written a song and with the help of her big sisters produced it and even made a little video for it. She has also discovered a keen interest in animals of all kinds and has made little projects and power-points on her favourite animal of the moment. This interest in animals was really inspired by a little wild  baby bunny that we rescued and cared for earlier in the year.  She has also been learning the recorder and realised that she actually enjoys writing stories contrary to previous experiences and is working on a children’s book.

Children will learn because it’s what they’re designed to do. They don’t have to be forced or coerced to learn. Unless, of course, it comes to subjects they really dislike. Everyone is made with unique gifts and individual quirks though. It’s unlikely someone will want a career in something they have never enjoyed doing and have no natural affinity for.

Still, we do keep up with maths, science, history and geography to ensure they know the basics in most subjects. But these lessons are done in a easy to digest way rather than through text books.

Below I’ve written down some of the more structured things we are still doing but bear in mind, although it looks like a fair bit on paper, we work through them at our own pace and only in the mornings so afternoons are completely freed up.

For Maths we use Life of Fred and Maths-watch. 

Science is mainly kitchen experiments. 

For geography we do map drawing, and learn about different countries and cultures through You Tube travel diaries. 

For History we use Story of the World, Horrible Histories and the ‘You wouldn’t want to be’ book series. We also watch a lot of the Ruth Goodman documentaries. But even reading and watching period dramas, books and movies  is a great way to learn history.

We also do a lot of Reading Aloud. 

Matilda and Seraphina are enrolled on Catherine Mooney’s English Course. Matilda is learning French with Dreaming Spires and has virtual Violin lessons. Seraphina is working through her Lamda grades. Boo is doing singing grades and Nola is taking Piano lessons with her big Sis. 

Nola also uses the free and excellent Good and Beautiful language Arts curriculum. 

For Catechism, we are working through Our Lady of the Rosary Family Catechism and do Bible study as part of our morning basket.

 (We don’t necessarily do a morning basket in the morning) ... ( in fact sometimes we do it in the afternoon or the evening or on weekends or not at all for a while) Sometimes, instead of Bible study we’ll learn about a Saint especially if it’s their feast day or perhaps play ( and try to sing along to) some lovely chants or hymns.

With things as they are in the world at the moment and with less ability to get out and about we’re putting our mental, emotional and spiritual needs first. We are being gentle on ourselves.

 I hope you are all well too and being gentle with yourselves as well.

The Idolatry of Work

Work is important. But a certain kind of overwork that has become so prevalent and celebrated in our culture is destructive rather than creative.

Homeschooling high school age kids I often feel the pull to put aside true creative endeavour and things that matter most of all such as quiet times that cultivate our connection to each other and God in order to press on towards ticking off an ever increasing and impossible check list.

Perhaps what I’m saying is there are many kinds of work. 

The kind of work that has a marketable value may not necessarily be the most valuable work.

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And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!” And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.

Iain Thomas

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. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30 .

Why I don’t subscribe to the waldorf philosophy anymore

 

Hi guys,

I just wanted to share something that has changed for us over this past year. 

As you know, we have often loosely followed waldorf curriculum over the years.

Around a year ago I became slowly more and more aware that the actual philosophy and spirituality of waldorf is actually in conflict to my christian/ catholic faith.

Our homeschool still includes a focus on nature, art, handwork, catholic feast days, home and natural, eco friendly toys but a deeper look at the waldorf philosophy reveals things that I can’t reconcile and do I won’t be using or promoting any waldorf anymore and will also not be selling or promoting waldorf in my shop. 

I’ve seen and heard a lot of Christian Mama’s coming to a similar conclusion recently. I don’t want to share anything that could lead others to something that has occult undertones. I personally know how damaging that can be. I prayerfully encourage you to watch  Sister Emmanuelle Maillard's testimony on YouTube for some insight. This is why I’m writing this post.

I thought about simply shutting down the blog but wanted to explain things honestly first. 

Here are some thoughts. 

There are so many things that can look inviting and beautiful, so many different ideas vying for our attention. 

One thing that always appealed to me with waldorf was the beautiful scenes of playrooms and seasonal tables. The ‘simplicity’ of the curriculum also appealed. But the curriculum in terms of planning and implementation was often far from ‘simple’ or inexpensive. 

Something  that looks beautiful on the outside isn’t always good and something that is good doesn’t always look beautiful in the way the world defines beauty. Sometimes true beauty is hidden and secret, not something that can be displayed or look impressive.

I realise how little I really know and how much I need God’s wisdom and Grace for guidance and discernment. I really do get lost on my own. It’s humbling to realise how much I need my faith to keep my steps from wandering. 

False ideas, however ‘beautiful’ they look on the outside will only cause harm in the end.

That is why I want to keep things simple. I pray that our homeschool is founded on simple faith. 

Something that requires no bells and whistles, no outward show and may make no perfect pictures.

 I pray that I with all my failings and errors are not at the centre of the picture but that Jesus is.

I pray that our homeschool will be fashioned by Truth and the Love that flows forth from all that is true. 

Sending love to any and all who read this. I hope and pray any who might have been influenced by any false philosophy from my blog accept my sincere apologies. 

The Point of Education

The question is not, -- how much does the youth know? when he has finished his education -- but how much does he care? - Charlotte Mason

Education should be so much more than memorising facts, spellings, grammar and formulas. 

Education is about growing as a whole person. It’s about learning empathy, compassion, creativity, problem solving, interpersonal skills, time management, self discipline, health, nutrition, how to run a household, self regulation and many, many more things.

If you’re homeschooling for the first time, please don’t worry your child is getting behind. The deepest and most enduring lessons don’t  come from text books but from experiences and relationships.

Homeschool Hauls - What do we need to homeschool

I've been watching quite a few home-school hauls recently. At first I was inspired. All the books, the wealth of wonderful materials and resources! 

Then slowly but surely, the nagging feeling of want began to creep in. The feeling of not being enough without all the bells and whistles. The feeling that others had it more together than I did. 

I began to load item after item into various online carts. 

If I only had this resource, our days would flow so much better. If I only had that book the children would be happy to sit for hours listening to read-alouds. If I only had that curriculum, the issues one of my children has with maths would just disappear.

Now I'm not saying that having access to lots of resources doesn't make life easier or help homeschool to run more smoothly it's just that these aren't the things on which our homeschool should succeed or fail. 

I don't want our homeschool to be built on resources more than relationship: relationship with God and relationship with each other and our community.

So  though I began making purchases and felt the initial rush of excitement that comes with buying and consuming I won't be making anymore. I'm not saying all the purchases I made were wrong but that niggling feeling that there is already too much stuff in our lives and that we and our world is over stuffed in general makes me want to build our homeschool and our lives on a different kind of sustenance altogether.

I want our homeschool and our lives to be built on manna. Just enough bread for our daily needs so that we always have to trust in providence to provide. 

There were many years when financial restrictions meant our curriculum was made up of library books, free print outs, homemade worksheets and lots of conversation and kitchen science. Though those times were often hard, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Those times taught me how to trust God with every provision. There were many times when just the right resources or opportunities would fall into our hands at just the right time or I would find the exact books I'd wanted in a charity shop. I would never have known His faithfulness unless I'd experienced it so fully.

There is an element of the spiritual battle in every area of life or (internal arm wrestling) as my 13 year old calls it. As humans, we find it so easy to fall into idolatry and seek to fulfil our own plans by our own strength. 

Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. Psalm 144:1

One pitfall with buying too much is the need to justify it by making our schedules a slave to it. If I've spent X,Y or Z on a book or resource I will want to get my money's worth and make the most of it so I end up forcing it to fit into our days whether it works well or not. 

The same goes for schedules. If my schedule is inflexible where is the room for  the spirit to move within it? 

However good my goals might seem, my advance toward them may only be meant for a season rather than a whole year. My goals mustn't become my God. I must be prepared to give them up. Quitting  hurts the ego a little bit. It makes us feel like we're failing but quitting something because it gets in the way of the most important thing, our openness to the spirit's leading is an act of faith. 

Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. Psalm 127:1

My prayer is that whatever we build this year it’s built with God’s provision and sustained by His hand. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:23