{this moment}

Joining Soulemama today for {This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Have a wonderful weekend :)

First bloom on Eliyana's rose.

 

And a beautiful song to send me into the weekend smiling.

Great take on a lengendary classic.

Eliyana's Song

As I wander through the garden I hear myself ask... Are you here Eliyana?

God, I hear you saying... Take off your shoes, for this is Holy Ground.


The leaves of the tree shimmer. They have caught the flame of the setting sun. Orange, gold and weeping beauty. Sailing toward another dawn.

I hear the birdsong He brings me.
Soft cooing pigeons amoungst, the rustle of leaves.
The still sky.
The cradle shaped moon.

She is here,
He is here,

So Close.
So Close that the breeze can only bring a lullaby,

....singing....

Eliyana, Eliyana, Eliyana...

From today.... and yesterday

For some reason, I have been feeling a gradual swell of emotion come over me over the last week or so.

I just couldn't hold back the tears from the morning.

I cried about Eliyana.

Floods of tears.

I was trembling, like a stream was running through me.

Part of my body almost feels like it hasn't quite caught onto the fact that we lost her and is still waiting, preparing for something that is not going to happen.

Part of me feels torn apart that we had to go to the hospital and couldn't deliver her naturally at home.

But I have to realise that her spirit had already flown to it's heavenly home.

It's funny but whenever I think of her in heaven I see Mother Mary close by.

I feel almost like she's growing under her nurturing love only a breath away yet beyond a veil I cannot lift just yet.

Tani took me and the girls into the countryside. The older ones did some archery with him, the little ones tumbled down the hills doing roly polys!

There was such a special quality to the light, I wished I'd had the camera, but like so many times, beauty is often best captured and imprinted on the soul rather than the page.

The Autumnal colours and the fresh crisp sunlight turned everything to glass, shining, shimmering.
I drank it in.

You know somedays when you just feel like you're chasing your tail all day and never catching it?

Today was a wash with storm clouds that smelled of rain but held on tight to their own salty tears.

Sometimes the sky gets into your veins, today felt like a foggy autumn sky.

We'll become a little like driftwood tomorrow I think.

 Weather shaped but light enough to float to stiller waters, moor against the banks of this running river, till the sun peeks through the blue and the gravity of the ocean comes into view.

There is Peace

THE SHIP OF LIFE

by John T. Baker

Along the shore I spy a ship
As she sets out to sea;
She spreads her sails and sniffs the breeze
And slips away from me.

I watch her fading image shrink,
As she moves on and on,
Until at last she’s but a speck,
Then someone says, “She’s gone.”

Gone where? Gone only from our sight
And from our farewell cries;
That ship will somewhere reappear
To other eager eyes.

Beyond the dim horizon’s rim
Resound the welcome drums,
And while we’re crying, “There she goes!”
They’re shouting, “Here she comes!”

We’re built to cruise for but a while
Upon this trackless sea
Until one day we sail away
Into infinity.


Over the last two weeks I have felt the presence of little Eliyana's soul so powerfully. I see it in colour and beauty and song. In a distant place yes, yet one that has been brought so close it has touched me in such a gentle and profound way that there is no more fear left, only love and peace.
I want to thank anyone and everyone who has prayed and thought about us. Tani, the girls and I have felt people's prayers in the most tangible way.
Yesterday we planted a beautiful yellow rose as a memorial to Eliyana in the garden. This morning the first morning light bathed it in innocent and childlike radiance and it felt like she was smiling.
We made a little memory box filled with scan pictures, the poem above and a little hat and bootee set I had made for her.
She will always be a part of our family. Her place in God's kingdom is really only a breath away from ours. Yet she is ahead of us, taking our hand in hers as He has taken her hand in His.
There is Peace.

Some Sad News...

Sadly, at a routine 14 week OB appointment our consultant could not find our baby's heartbeat.
A scan confirmed that our little one had died.
It was only over the weekend I had my first dream of the baby where I felt her tell me that she was a little girl.
I truly believe that she gave us this gift before she left us so that we would always know her and so that we would be able to name her.
We had chosen the name Eliyana Shalom for a girl which means God Answers Peace.
We have peace in knowing that she rests saftley in Our Heavenly Father's arms. Just seeing her in Jesus's arms, in my heart, has given so much comfort.
I feel very empty and a little lost and very sad yet I know how very blessed we already are to have the beautiful girls we have.
God knows His ways and they are right and good and I know how lucky I am to be able to have my faith.
I'll be taking a couple of weeks break from the blog though. Just a little time, to cry, pray and heal.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel an deep ache. It hits me suddenly and without warning. In the middle of washing up, or the moments of quiet, the shade of blue of the sky.
My heart hangs heavy, pangs silently, a sudden outburst of rain fills my eyes.
I feel like mercury pushing the clouds out of the corner of the picture in the Spring time Primavera But I can only chalk blue skies with my mind. My thoughts are a clear meadow, but my heart is a sunken valley where the rain pools.
Yet there is sunlight all around me and flowers in small hands, so many gifts.
It's only the un-drawn picture, the un-fashioned memory which falters my smile. It is the one small hand I will never touch. The little body I will never hold, the smile I will never see,
and I mourn it.
I grieve for a little child I never knew, yet know more intimately than any in some ways. Because now she enfolds my soul in the wings of prayer as I once held her little body beneath my heart.