New Routines and Random Ramblings

Our sunflowers have finally made an appearance!

 I sometimes feel like my life is a thread weaving in and out of many things, the roles I play, the appointments I keep, the work I accomplish, and the everyday routines I follow.

There are many facets to our beings.
My internal voice changes with each movement.

Sometimes it's loud and agitated, especially when we need to be somewhere in 5 minutes and I've just realized there are no matching socks in my house and the dog has once again hidden someone's shoe in the garden.

Sometimes it is clarified and fragile, like when I sit and watch birds skitter about,  trees rustle, or read a poem with just the right words at just the right time.

With family and old friends, my inner voice is playful and childlike.
But when I'm new to something, it suddenly becomes cautious and safe.

Am I both of these things, or is one voice not as real as the other?

I'd love my  social inner voice to be open and centered. I'm working on it and most of the time I think it is. I'm much more keen to simply settle into being myself, it's the path of least resistance. It's hard work trying to be someone else and I'm lazy.
I also crave authenticity.

Some people are Blackbirds who can just let go and sing, or House Sparrows that can flit from branch to branch chirupping and chattering away as they dance their beautiful, dance.
When caught in a crowd I'm more like a wild eyed Hen Pheasant searching for a gap in the hedge in which to scuttle.
Sometimes I like to just be quiet.

I used to go through brief periods of voluntary muteness as a child and, when I did,  would feel suddenly released into the simplicity and peace of my inner world.
Strangely, it was then that I would feel closest to my real voice too.

In random group situations such as waiting in the playground to pick kids up from school I find myself in Pheasant default mode. 
I try to channel a kind of paint by numbers, light, bright and breezy inner voice but unfortunately school playgrounds  just turn me into an awkward stuttery, say weird things at wrong moments type.
It seems, however, old you get, even if you're grown up enough to be a granny next
March, the school playground is still the school playground, hmmmm.
*

By the way, I am having so much fun teaching Boo at the moment. She has reached the age where she is able to get on with her own work while I get on with mine. We converse, joke around, play games and go out while also being able to actually get stuff done and feel accomplished. It feels very unusually un-chaotic. :)

Curriculum wise, we have talked about the subjects we want to cover and researched resources online and at the library. We are sticking to a loose and flexible time table to make sure we get to cover a little of each subject over the course of the week.
Here is a list of some of the resources we are using:

At the moment we are studying Astronomy using these books:
From Ptolemy's Dark Spheres to Dark Energy by John Farndon
New Astronomy by Carole Stott
Atlas of Space by Scholastic
The Usbourne book of Science experiments 
Marvin and Milo's Adventures in Science

These websites:
Science Kids
Hubblesite

French using these books:
Ana Lomba's Storybook Series with CD
Hop, skip and sing in French
Lucy Chat series
I can read French series
French without tears (Bk, 1 &2)
Usbourne French for Beginners

I am using Sat's textbooks for English 
We are reading The Mill on the Floss for vocabulary
The Usbourne Make your own Storybook is a wonderful creative writing resource.
We are reading and talking about a poem a week. Usually chosen from this book.
We also have an hours quiet reading everyday. At the moment Boo is reading War Horse by Michael Morpurgo.

For Maths we are using:
Letts Maths revision text book
Carol Vordemans Fractions and Decimals Made Easy 
And lots of Khan Acaemy :)

For Geography we are working through 
Letts Geography revision 13-14
With extra back up from this site.

For history we are creating a time line using this online resource.
We are also reading A Street Through Time by Steve Noon and Dr Anne Millard

Art lessons are supplied by these fantastic you tube tutorials by Illustrator Mark Crilly.
She is also  doing some fun and informal Italian with her Dad before bed if she's not too tired.

Oh and Emmy does a half hour piano lesson with her on Saturdays.

The sticky subject of exams and the weird and wonderful hoops home schoolers have to jump through in order to actually sit them is not something I'm going to get too concerned with this year.
All I know is she is glad to be home and I'm glad to have her and we're going to take it one step at a time.

September so far...

It has been quite a Summer.
Today the rain falls in silent streams down the window pane and my body responds with a need for blankets, quiet and hot tea.
There is a word to describe an odd creature such as myself who finds solace and comfort in the rain: Pluviophile. 
The brisk red underline of spell check infers that we are not yet a recognised group. 
But I know I am not alone.
On rainy days there is room for the quiet. 
There is room for contemplation and solitude sans guilt.

"Your career and interests,  are important, but they are only important insofar as they lead you toward a deeper understanding of yourself."  A.H. Almass


This "yourself" is not, I presume, a distillation of persona, habits or reactions but an inner essence of being, that, like a silt and tide formed pearl that can only be mined if we are prepared to dive deep.
And the silt only settles when the ocean stops churning.

There are days when I need the quietness of low winds and high tides. 
I need  time to allow the particles fall where they may before I begin to sift and sort.

I was talking with Tani yesterday. I said, I think the only way I've been able to cope with the workload over the last few years is to drop lots of balls.
I am shabby when it comes to texting, answering the phone, e-mailing, attending school/church meetings or wrestling Nola out of her reindeer costume and mismatched socks before playdates or errands. I feel guilty for not being as "on" as I should be.
Yet this seems to be the only way I can make the room to be completely present for the things I do, do. 
I want my yes, when I say it, to be meaningful and authentic. 

*

I miss Emmy. She comes back for the weekends but they are not long enough. I understand the practicalities behind her living in town, but it still feels like a wrench. 

*

Boo is now homeschooling once more. 
 On her first day she was nervous, but excited as she put on her new clothes and packed her shiny new stationary into her rucksack. However, as the days wore on she began to wilt. When she came home last Tuesday she was like a crumpled piece of paper. It just wasn't working out.

The teachers at school were kind and wonderfully supportive. Indeed, can't say enough good things about the staff. They really do turn up everyday, wanting the best for the kids in their charge.
But there were other things. The uniform was too tight. The lessons were sometimes interesting, sometimes boring and occasionally great fun, especially, dance, art and music. The playground was too small and too concrete, however the breakfast bagels were delicious. The day was too long. The rules were too strict, especially when it came to needing the loo during lessons. And sadly, friends turned out not to be friends when it mattered most. 
This friend thing is so important when you are 11 and a half. Actually, this friend thing is really important when you're 30 something and a half too. I'm sure we can do more to nurture friendships in schools.

Overall Boo feels glad she had the experience, as she says, it has given her a wider perspective on how reality works and why it often doesn't :)

*

Just wanted to mention, we live in a tiny village with very limited and temperamental Internet connection. The BT man visited "to upgrade" the broadband a couple of weeks ago and, as it seems, got a little tangled up in the wires leading to our house. So my interweb presence may be more sporadic and random than usual until it gets sorted.

Wishing you all a lovely week ahead! Pictures are from our village's annual Picnic on the Green.

On seeking an Authentic Creative Voice.

"There is one thing in this world you must never forget to do.
Human beings come into this world to do particular work.
That work is their purpose, and each is specific to the person.
If you forget everything else and not this,
there's nothing to worry about.
If you remember everything else and forget your true work,
then you will have done nothing with your life."

- Rumi  (from The Soul of Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks)

The above quote found at a recently discovered gem of a blog, "Myth and Moor"
Terri Windling is a writer, author, publisher and artist who lives in beautiful Dorset.

Her recently published post on perfectionism and the creative process resonated with me deeply.
The concept of writing for one person in particular, rather than a crowd, felt like a revelation.

Practically speaking, at the moment, I have narrow margins of time and space with which to write.
I have found that writing in semi stream of consciousness mode makes good use of these small but precious increments.
However, this "approach" often means that other people's writing voices get caught up in the flow of my own.
The voices of friends, general internet commentary, books that I've been reading etc, end up mixing and merging with my own words and intentions.
There is certainly a difference between honouring the voice, feelings and paths of others and absorbing them whether emotionally or creatively.

The idea of writing (for or to) a particular person could very well help me to channel my own voice more definably.
I think this is something I was alluding to in my last post.

The idea of emitting my own frequency, rather than being imprinted on by others is something I've always found challenging.
I like to merge, empathize and reach out rather than stand out.
I've thought of it as a compassionate and modest way of being but it is also cowardly on many levels. It is a way of not fully embodying my life as I often defer to someone else.

Maybe it is because it can initially seem arrogant to assume your frequency has any importance or consequence.
I can't jostle, or strive to put my own stamp on anything whether physically or meta physically. There is too much responsibility involved with that and as a result too many consequences. It is not a game I want to be a part of.

However, I've come to wonder whether the idea of emitting our own frequency, by which I mean our own uniqueness, authenticity, truth, spirit, story, or all of the above, is actually the only truly valuable or lasting thing we can impart.
It is not based on the premise of wrangling control or seeking power, it is simply letting be what is. It is getting out of the way of the truth.

In the current climate everything has been reduced to commodity status. Even people have begun to brand themselves.
Ideas, opinions, products, and people all hustle for control, as they attempt to offer a vision for others to buy into either financially or ideologically.

The value of a currency is determined by the number of people invested in it.
We can invest our consciousness in anything and increase it's value.

A problem arises if our consciousnesses become conditioned to unquestioned collective norms and we absorb that which is not authentically true to ourselves.
When we invest in something such as a hierarchical system that undermines our authenticity and our spirits we contribute to the energy that is stifling us.

When this happens collectively en masse self serving, pyramid systems develop.
The many focus on one; the point at the top, and the structure solidifies.

But life can be more open, flowing and full than this. All it takes is enough people to believe that we can be true to ourselves without conflict. In fact it might be the only way to avoid it.

Our gift is our truth, our true voice and the resonate frequency it emits.
I hope to learn to use mine, carefully, honestly, humbly and a little more bravely.

 

Epiphany

I found the above quote
on the Angel Wings and Herb Tea Facebook page.

This year I hope to 

stand more steadily,

Barefoot on bare earth.

Feel a belonging to the country of my story

my native truth

my inner being.

I don't need to assimilate

Or unlearn my mother tongue

To understand the riddles of a new country.

I can speak my own language,

Sing my own poetry

and write my own story.

Simply, authentically, quietly my own.

Because that is the gift I was given

And the only one I can return

That will be of any worth at the end of the day

I hope only to stand on my own little wild scrap of earth

without fear or dismay

and connect fully and compassionately with others as they stand on theirs.

If only I may grow: firmer, simpler, quieter, warmer.

Dag Hammarskjold

 

 

The Importance of Rest

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time”

 John Lubbock 

 Mulch and Motherhood

Last week we finally racked Autumn's mulchy brown leaves from the grass to the flower beds and veggie patch.

 I think Motherhood is the mulchy leaf stage of life. Life, post birth and life with little ones is like a season of hibernation. We form nests for our young from the moss, feather and fern of ourselves. And in order to form the warmest nest we re-connect with our inner life; our childhood, our deepest truth, our limitations and our courage.

It can be hard to embrace the falling leaf of slow motion living. We have all learnt to wrestle with the restless charge to do, do, do. And although life with little ones is not always restful it embraces the inner life.

It doesn't always "look" pretty or impressive, but things are happening at an integral level.

Ground is being overturned, hard edged stones are being removed and seeds are being scattered.

 

The most beautiful Spring blossoms grow from compost.

Growth happens in the deepest places. 

Secretly.

In places of rest, and renewal we can re-birth.

Like bulbs beneath Winter's womb.

That emerge, tender and green from Spring's sunlit thaw. 

Nature knows the importance of rest. She is a great teacher.

“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.”

— Albert Einstein

 

 

 

 

Honouring our bodies need for rest is so essential.

If we want to accomplish things with the full presence of our minds, bodies, spirits and hearts we must be fully rested.

Fields that have been left fallow for a season always yield a greater harvest the coming year.

The  time we take to rest and nourish our inner lives reflects upon our outer lives.

 

Rest clarifies that which was foggy, hones our focus to a sharp point and brightens our perspective.

Instead of becoming frustrated with small details we are able to see the full panorama; the big picture.

Yet there is this inherent guilt in me that I must keep constantly preoccupied with something "useful".

I must be mindful to remember the false economy of that.

 We are still in the process of  un-learning our conditioned ideas about what is important.

 

We want to grow in awareness. 

And then live from that state of conscious awareness.

Life is so short.

What do we want to spend our "one wild and precious" life learning, being and doing?

We are not here to simply cram facts into our brains and pass tests.

So that we can trade the better part of our lives doing a job that neither nourishes us or our world.

We are not here to simply earn money, consume and expire.

 

We are not robots, statistics or numbers.

We are Human Beings each born with unique gifts, a vision, a purpose and a journey to embark on.