"There where love is lacking, put love and you will reap love."
When love is the hardest thing to do, maybe it is then that love is needed most desperately of all.
There is usually at least one child in every family that needs the greatest loving at the times when they are the hardest to love.
Mine is a spirited and wondrous little girl named Seraphina.
Seraphina is so FULL of unquenchable energy. If there is an obstacle the size of a snail shell in her way, she will. tumble. over. it.
...Or crush it!
The power of her cry actually makes her sisters small glass animal collection quiver with fright.
And she never needs help with anything...ever.
Seraphim's are fiery six winged angels that guard the throne of God...
Seraphina is fiery :)
Maybe we are all a little like my Seraphina though.
I know that when I am acting my worst it is because I'm feeling insecure. I'm worried and my fears seem beyond my control. Or I'm overwhelmed, fatigued, or simply seeking to feel that I am loved. Truly and unconditionally by those closest to me. Maybe we are all little children deep down :)
The more difficult parts of my personality are always triggered when I feel like I'm not good enough as I am. When I feel like I have to be something I'm not to fit anothers ideal.
I think as parents (I know I am guilty of this sometimes) we carry an image of our child. This image often contains all the best qualities of ourselves rather than the child :)
When the child finds that who they are doesn't fit the image he/she feels unacceptable.
Some may try to fit. Others may rebel.
Seraphina is a blessing to me because she pushes me to the edges of my own preconceptions and imperfections. She makes me a better mother and a better, truer person.
There are no pretensions with her. She makes sure that there are no pretensions with me either.
It is easy for me to lull myself into imagining I'm the most wonderful, patient Mummy with my older girls. But Fina shakes my ego up a bit. She is like a crazy old Buddhist zen master reminding me constantly that it's not all about me and my ideas. There is a bigger picture out there. Maybe a better one. Certainly a truer, clearer, less deadly perfect one. And it's not a colour by numbers either!
I have to get right down onto that dusty, dismantled barbie strewn carpet to connect with her.
It is hard especially when she resists me. She is so independent and has never been snugly as my other girls. She is all sharp corners and awkward angles! She reminds me of those cartoon characters whose legs keep going round and round like a Catherine Wheel even before they've started moving.
I have to get down to her level, physically and emotionally.
See her eye to eye. Slow everything down. Connect my heart to hers.
Oooh it can be so hard. I feel the stretch. "I feel" like the Grinch when he throws himself down in pain as love swells his heart till it actually begins to enlarge :)
From humility, my humility I have to let go.
Let go of my stubbornness (the stubbornness she has inherited in industrial strength quantities :)
Then fall down in a heap of joy and just love unconditionally that crazy girl of the unkempt curl and the pixie grin that gives her away every time.
It's then I find I actually begin to love myself, unconditionally too.
Imperfect, but trying, ever trying to put love in threadbare places.