As I tuck four girls into bed tonight I cannot help but smile.
Ten years can make all the difference in the world.
I was alone ten years ago, or so it seemed. I wasn't of course, Jesus was there beside me guiding me so very gently I could hardly feel his touch. Healing, encouraging, protecting, bringing me home. Then my first little girl Emmy was born and life began to change.
Now, I am anything but alone .
My days are filled to the brim with little voices, outstretched arms, eyes bright and new to life.
Little new eyes that make me see things anew through their wide open gaze out into the blue, blue sky. Or the gleaming green grass.
Little bugs on hands, that amaze and delight, licking the bowl clean after baking cakes, crunching leaves under our feet, running after twinkles to make wishes with.
I never thought I would be this unselfconscious, this strong, this captivated by a beautiful vision, of a place I want my children to always remember. A memory box of happy childhood moments, filled with love and joy and truth.
It has brought me to the edges of myself and beyond this loving another more than your own life thing. Having a child in your arms, staring into your face with absolute love and trust.
The more I give my own understanding up, to follow the path God has set for me, the more he seems to draw me beyond my limits. I feel completely fragile aware of how lost, weak and fallible I am alone.
"Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip."Psalm 18: 28-30, 32, 36
For every step he has led me he has given me a little more for the undertaking.
I am so overwhelmed and thankful for this life He has given to me. These lives He has entrusted to my care. He knew exactly what I needed. He knew how to draw me out of myself. This family is so precious to me it's the foundations of my world. My heart, every breath. They are everything to me.
I love them so much.
I ache when I am away from them.
I take so much joy in each smile, each time I am able to comfort and hold them close. Each little thing they say fills my heart with joy I can't express.
Motherhood, though maybe seen as a small vocation; has brought me so far.
It overwhelms and humbles me to a capacity I had never known before.
Pure and limitless. Beyond the frailty of myself.
I thank God every day for these gifts. I pray to be worthy of them.